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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971965">Of Hell and Hometowns</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucekays/pseuds/saucekays'>saucekays</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Fluff, Home, Hurt/Comfort, Language Barrier, Late Night Conversations, M/M, New York, Nightmares, Talking, Touch-Starved</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:47:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971965</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucekays/pseuds/saucekays</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash has a nightmare, Eiji knows how to handle it. They have a late-night conversation about hometowns, hell, and of course each other-- while cuddling, obviously. </p><p>Just some AshEiji fluff and talking with the theme of home as a central focus, because I needed more calm moments between these two.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Of Hell and Hometowns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! This is my first time writing AshEiji-- I recently watched the anime with my friend and had to post something about them because they really are too much. Please enjoy this oneshot!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As Eiji got used to living with Ash, he learned to identify a lot of the things his partner left unsaid. He could tell when Ash genuinely disliked a food or was only joking; whether he could use a break or needed to focus; whether he was lost in thought about the past or the future. He also learned Ash’s sleeping habit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleep wasn’t a priority for Ash. He always had things to do and places to be, and preferred to get his required rest by passing out for one or two hours here and there. Of course, he couldn’t keep this up forever, and he’d occasionally have days where it was simply impossible to wake him up: Eiji would have to resort to dragging him through some semblance of a morning routine before Ash could even fully open his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>According to Ash, a full eight hours of sleep was a “waste of time”, and he had better things to do. But it didn’t take long for Eiji to realize that there was more to Ash’s stalwart avoidance of a full night’s rest than just his busy life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because on those relatively rare occasions when Ash hadn’t pushed himself to the absolute limit and ended up sleeping lightly rather than falling into his usual coma, he had nightmares. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like everything else concerning Ash, Eiji learned about these nightmares and how to react to them. When to wake Ash up, when to leave him alone, when to touch him, when to speak. When to make him stay up, when to help him fall back asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tonight was one of Ash’s bad nights. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji was woken up suddenly by small sounds followed by footsteps, which he traced around the apartment. They first headed to the bathroom, where the water ran briefly, then back into the bedroom and across towards the window, where they finally stopped.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji continued to lie motionless in bed for a few minutes: Ash always felt worse if he realized that he had woken Eiji up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The younger boy still hadn’t moved several moments later, and so Eiji did. He turned over and sat up, making a show of yawning and stretching. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ash,” he said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just as he had thought, Ash was standing in front of the window: he had opened the curtains wide, and the city lights meeting the night sky outside made his white t-shirt look like it was glowing bright blue. When he heard Eiji’s voice he didn’t turn around, but his shoulders relaxed slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’re you pretending to sleep?” he asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji sniffed. “I wasn’t pretending,” he said. “You didn’t wake me up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both knew this wasn’t true, but it didn’t feel like a lie, either: Ash could recognize it as a gesture of comfort, an attempt to take away even a pebble of guilt from the pile of boulders on his back, and appreciated it for that reason alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji stood up, grabbed a blanket, and padded across the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he reached Ash’s side, he took a good look at the younger boy’s face. Eiji could read his expressions well, but right now there wasn’t much to see: Ash’s eyes were simply mirrors, reflecting the lights of the City that Never Sleeps as it lay spread out before them. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t sleep, either, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Eiji thought.</span>
  <em>
    <span> At least not the way other people do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re like New York,” he remarked, as he silently asked permission to drape the blanket around the taller boy’s shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash didn’t bristle but relaxed when Eiji tucked the blanket around his frame, smoothing it down and making sure it wouldn’t fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’s that?” he asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re many-sided. Fascinating. Terrifying. Violent. Beautiful. And you don’t sleep. </span>
  </em>
  <span>All of these similarities and more flew through Eiji’s mind, but he knew Ash wouldn’t want to hear any of them right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love New York,” he said instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Underneath the blanket, Ash shifted. There was something tragic in the way he moved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even though it wakes you up in the middle of the night?” Ash asked, desolation making its way into his voice now, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji smiled. “Of course.” He smoothed the blanket down again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurt to see his Ash like this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His </span>
  </em>
  <span>Ash indeed: because Ash belonged to the men who worked for him, and to the past which pained him, and to the streets of New York City, but at times like this when they were alone together he was just Eiji’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Many people had told him that it was impossible for Ash to belong to anyone. He was a wild beast, a feline carnivore impossible to tame or even approach without getting hurt. But Eiji knew differently. He knew that in ways most people couldn’t understand, Ash belonged more fiercely and deeply than anybody. These bonds were the very reason he had suffered, but also why he hadn’t run from this violent lifestyle a long time ago when so many others would have.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, Eiji knew better than to believe that for Ash to belong to anything or anyone meant that he had been tamed. Even as the boy (still two years younger than him despite everything), allowed a blanket to be draped around him with care, Eiji knew he was dangerous. Ash had hurt him before with his words and actions, had made him sad, and to stay with him meant to be in near-constant danger. This lynx was far from tamed: he had sunk his claws deep into Eiji’s heart and soul, and outsiders were foolish if they saw it in any other way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But none of that mattered right now. All that mattered was that the boy with the pain of home in his eyes was reliving things that shouldn’t be lived even once, and that Eiji was there to help him through it. Because privately, Eiji hoped that he could be the one thing Ash belonged to which healed his heart rather than hurt it: that if Ash’s men forced inhuman choices on him, and his past made him cry, and New York trapped him, Eiji could comfort and love him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In this, too, he had already failed: Ash had worried and suffered more because of him. So now, with his true wish made impossible, Eiji could only pray every day that whatever pain he caused Ash would always be overcome by the happiness they shared together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Ash shifted closer, leaning into the touch as if sensing that it was becoming distracted, and Eiji decided to take both of them back to bed. He guided them a few paces to the edge of Ash’s bed, where they sat down beside each other still facing the window.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?” Ash asked, finally turning to look at Eiji.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I— Your eyes hold the city in them,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just a reflection.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s more than that,” Eiji insisted. “Mine don’t do the same, even when we both look down at the lights. I can see where you’re from in your eyes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone recognized Ash by his bright green eyes: to Eiji, they were more than a pretty facial feature. In them, he could see New York’s neon signs and Cape Cod’s green hills. He was grateful to know Ash well enough to be able to identify all this and more in those eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Home,” Ash murmured, sounding as if he was thinking about the word for the first time, as if he had written it down too often and could now no longer recognize it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji watched as the light in Ash’s eyes was swallowed up by something else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really want to think about home right now,” Ash confessed then, in a small voice he only ever spoke in at night. “Not New York, or Cape Cod, or America.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Eiji could recognize the darkness in his eyes: they still held his home, but also every wound he had ever suffered in those places. Eiji tried to imagine having such a complicated relationship to his own country and found it hard. In the past, before going overseas, it had been easy for him to disparage Japan, even to hate it: but when he looked at Ash, he realized he would never come close to knowing how it felt to be a victim of one’s birthplace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me about your home, Eiji,” Ash said then, “Take me there with your words.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji had never been the smoothest of speakers: he was an athlete first and foremost rather than a literary type, and tended to be on the awkward side in social situations even among speakers of his native language. In English, of course, he was even less articulate, and persistently aware of it. Those around him might not realize it, but Eiji could hear every one of his own stumbles and mispronunciations when he spoke that foreign tongue, and it felt like he was constantly searching for words and begging his mind to conjure translations of the phrases he needed from the crevices of his memory. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Ash had asked Eiji to speak to him, to bear him away from New York just for a little while, and so he did. He knew his picture would be painted with foreign brushes, and that the final image might be a little crooked or unclear; but it was still another world, one where Ash would be safe and welcome for tonight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Izumo is a city,” he began, “But not like an American one. Your cities here are like their own little countries, and when you’re in them it’s hard to imagine anything on the outside. But in Izumo, you’re constantly thinking of the rest of Japan. You can see green hills rising from behind the flats, and the train tracks connecting you to so many other towns. You can feel the history, too: there’s an old temple watching over all the neighborhoods from above, and a canal from a long time ago running through the city center.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In Izumo, it rains more than here and it doesn’t get as cold, even though it does snow. Our summers are hot, but because of the rain it’s almost never dry. We’re often in the shadows, but I’ve always thought it made everything look more beautiful somehow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As a child, I cared deeply for my hometown. I felt connected to the hills, the trees, the sky, the people. I would get homesick when my family went on vacation, and I believed I’d always want to come back no matter where else I ended up traveling to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But after my pole vaulting accident, I fell out of love with my hometown for a while. I was angry at the wet ground for twisting my ankles, and at the salty air for not letting me fly. Besides, the yearning for something besides home and familiarity and comfort had opened inside me at that time. And I realized that although my body belongs in Izumo, I don’t think the same goes for my heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I left with Ibe-san, and took a plane across the ocean without understanding what I was searching for, but soon I understood because I found America in your eyes as soon as I met you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji swallowed after speaking: he had surprised himself with how much he had articulated, and hoped it had been clear enough. Ash was looking at him strangely: his eyes were more than just mirrors now, but Eiji still couldn’t read what was in them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never seen </span>
  <em>
    <span>Izumo,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Ash said, struggling slightly with the pronunciation as usual, “But I think I can see it in your eyes, too, now that you’ve told me about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My eyes are dark,” Eiji replied with a small smile, “I’m not sure if you’ll see very much in them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said it yourself, though,” Ash said, “That it rains a lot there, and that the shadows make it beautiful.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji’s smile grew in size, as did the warmth in his heart. “You know something else about Izumo,” he said, “It’s on the coast, like Cape Cod and New York.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So if you think about it, all that was ever between us was an ocean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s still too much,” Ash murmured, and then he was falling across Eiji’s thighs, nestling into his lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji wasn’t unfamiliar with this contact by now, but still found it special every time Ash initiated it. He began to run his hands across Ash’s form, gentle touches which avoided any of the places Eiji had learned caused Ash to shy away. His right hand combed through Ash’s hair, while his left curled around his torso in order to rest on his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve always thought of myself as someone without a real home,” Ash admitted, “I usually ended up with some sort of roof over my head, but I never saw myself as belonging to a group of people, no matter how long I lived in one place. But when I left New York… like when we went to L.A., I realized I missed it. And not just because of the advantages I have here, or the people I know. I could earn those things eventually in any city... It’s not just that I understand New York, but that </span>
  <em>
    <span>it </span>
  </em>
  <span>understands </span>
  <em>
    <span>me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Every— everything I’m proud of, everything I’ve grown to know, everything I’m ashamed of, everything that hurts me. This city knows it all, and because of that, I fucking hate it sometimes. But that’s also what makes it my home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His grip on Eiji’s thigh had tightened as he spoke, and stayed this way as he continued. “You know, I felt the same way about Cape Cod, once. The grasses whispered comfort to me, and the waves knew how badly I wished they would float me away. But somewhere along the line, that changed. I think,” —Ash’s voice hitched here, and Eiji made sure to hold him as carefully as he could— “I think I changed too much for that place to recognize me, and from then on only somewhere as filthy as New York could claim me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hate New York more than Cape Cod. God knows I’ve found much better things for myself here, even if I’ve been forced to take a lot of shit to be able to claim it for my own. But still, sometimes I hate myself for changing so much that my first hometown doesn’t even feel like the place I’m from anymore. Now, when someone tells me I wasn’t born in New York, my first instinct is to argue with them before I realize they’re right. Because I can’t imagine myself being from anywhere other than this beautiful hellhole.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, Eiji was struck by how complicated Ash’s relationship to his home was. “When I began to resent Izumo after my accident, I thought I was losing myself,” he said. “I can’t understand how you feel, but at least I know that hometowns are hard.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji could feel a soft huff of breath on his leg as Ash reacted with amusement. “They really are,” he said. “Hometowns feel like hell, sometimes. You’re destined to be dragged back to yours no matter how much you hate it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’ve been dragged along with you,” Eiji said softly. “When are you going to let me return the favor?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash shifted so that his back was on Eiji’s thighs and they were looking directly at each other. “Next time you feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>Izumo’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>pull,” he said, eyes clearer than they had been all night, “Tell me, and I will let you take me along.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The waves will take us,” Eiji murmured. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just as we both hoped when we were younger, watching the ocean as we stood in cities we wished we could leave. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I’d really like that, Ash.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” he said, “I have to check whether you’re bullshitting about being able to see home in my eyes, or not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji blushed suddenly. “I was trying to be nice to you!” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash grinned up at him, and then his smile turned into something softer. “I know,” he whispered, “And I still can’t believe it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words made Eiji’s heart clench. “Are you alright?” he asked, finally referring to the nightmare now that Ash was calmer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ash murmured, “I just—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked away again. Eiji smiled. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s embarrassed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want me to lie down?” he asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji let out a sigh of contentment, then gently nudged Ash off of his thighs so that he was laying on the bed instead. Then he stood up, closed the curtains, and turned on the bedside light. Once he was done, he returned to Ash’s bed and lay down beside him, gathering the younger boy gently into his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He always allowed Ash to move at his own pace, but especially during times like these, when Ash craved contact so badly but could also be easily upset by a wrong move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, Ash wrapped his arms and legs around Eiji and kissed him softly on the forehead, allowing his lips to linger as if to prove that they both existed and their connection was real. A few moments later he slowly moved his head down, allowing their noses to brush together before tucking his head tightly underneath Eiji’s chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji pressed a kiss to the top of the blond’s head, and held him so gently he thought his own heart might crack under the weight of this tenderness neither of them had ever known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he felt a sigh of relief and more complicated feelings escape from Ash’s lips, and heard him say: “You hold me like I’m something special.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are,” Eiji replied immediately, because it was the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash laughed quietly, “I literally just told you what a mess of a person I am. The waste flushed down from the American countryside to the darkest parts of its biggest city, because nowhere else would claim me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Eiji said, “You are special. I already said it before, about New York…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Ash asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Eiji could feel his tongue growing heavy this late at night, and English words were coming less easily than usual. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will teach you a new word,” he decided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” Ash asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji whispered it into his ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash hummed. “It sounds nice. What does it mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means ‘I love you’,” Eiji said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, Ash was silent. Then he sniffed, and Eiji wasn’t too surprised when he felt the younger boy’s shoulders shake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you said it earlier,” Ash said, “Meant it, at least. When you said you loved New York. But—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He found it hard to continue speaking, and Eiji comforted him with a soothing hand on his back and more whispered words, never pausing even as he felt the front of his shirt grow damp and as tears gathered in his own eyes in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few moments later, Ash spoke again, his words a little rougher around the edges and carrying weight Eiji welcomed with open arms. “Eiji,” he said, “You’ve made me, who sees the city as hell, want to return. You’ve made a land-walker want to travel across the water. You’ve made a sinner want to say his prayers. I don’t know any other languages to say it in, but these actions mean that I love you too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, Ash,” Eiji murmured into the top of Ash’s head, “I know that’s what they mean. Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ash sniffed one last time, then burrowed his head further into Eiji’s shoulder. “I’m tired,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleep, then,” Eiji whispered in reply. “I’ll stay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few moments later, Ash was breathing more heavily, and Eiji smiled softly as he closed his eyes as well. He knew that in the morning, Ash would be strong and hard and brave again. And for that Eiji loved him, but for now he was relieved to see his partner like this: vulnerable in his arms, so open to affection.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eiji thought about hometowns, and he thought about hell. </span>
  <em>
    <span>New York and Izumo are both my hometowns, as long as I’m with him. And no matter where we are, I will make sure that it is never hell. Because he has lived in hell on earth for too long now, and I never want him to go back there. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As long as he is with me, I will make sure he is at home. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed this short fic :) if you would be interested in reading more asheiji from me in the future, please comment or talk to me on twitter @sasugayuchlha !!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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